A typical day
Living with an Eating Disorder – Day to Day:
Day-to-day life? Honestly, it’s a constant battle with food. My brain is always calculating, always trying to trick my body into feeling full. Right now, that means eating a lot of sugar-free jelly, drinking litres of diet soda, chewing ridiculous amounts of gum, and measuring out 9 grams of hot chocolate powder instead of 10—because, apparently, that one gram makes a difference - in my head.
Some days, I’ll drink copious amounts of water just to stop feeling hungry, even though I know it messes with my sodium levels and keeps me up all night having to go to the toilet. Boredom makes it worse—when I’m distracted, I cope better. But work? That’s the ultimate catch-22. I need to be better to go back, but going back will almost certainly actually help me get better.
Food choices rule my day. I try not to calorie count, but after many months of obsessing, I know the numbers off by heart. Eating out is tough. If calories are listed, I stress over them; if they’re not, I stress just as much. Either way, I often compensate with unnecessary exercise later. Socialising is also a minefield—I’ll meet friends at coffee shops but usually stick to water or bring my own low-calorie hot chocolate. Seeing cakes and ‘normal’ food can be hard, but I’ve trained myself to sit there and resist. That said, if I feel my self-control might waiver, I’ll just remove myself from the situation entirely or not go in the first place.
The good news? I’ve stopped obsessively weighing myself—mostly because my clothes tell me everything I need to know. My weight has stabilised thanks to therapy and eating more substantial meals, though fatigue and injuries have also forced me to cut back on exercise. I still feel the cold constantly and rely on triple layers and my hot water bottle. My blood pressure is often low (shocker: over-exercising and undereating will do that). It’s like learning to walk again—I know what I need to do, but actually doing it is a different story.
Holidays? Not happening. The idea of going somewhere all-inclusive but not eating whatever I want is frustrating. I’d love to have a fry-up at breakfast, afternoon tea with all the trimmings, and cocktails in a hot tub. But right now, that’s not possible. Even a city break feels pointless if I’m bringing my own food. At one point, I even considered a ‘fat camp’—but let’s be real, I wouldn’t exactly fit in!
Dating? Also off the table. Let’s be honest, who wants to date someone with this much baggage? I wouldn’t if I were on the other side of it.
The hardest part of all this? I know how ridiculous my behaviours sound. I know they make no logical sense. And yet, they still make complete sense to me. It’s a never-ending mental tug-of-war between what I want to do and what my eating disorder allows me to do.
Right now, life is on hold while I figure this out. It’s not a quick fix, and I’ve had to adjust—buying smaller clothes, accepting new ‘normals.’ But despite everything, I am in a better place than when this was at its worst. Therapy and the support of my amazing family and friends have made all the difference. Progress is happening, and I’m holding onto that.