January 2025

Owning the Eating Disorder and moving forward - January 2025:

In late 2024, I finally put it all out there—I posted on social media about my eating disorder. It wasn’t an easy decision, but the relief was instant. No more worrying about who did or didn’t know. No more dodging awkward conversations. It was out in the open, and honestly, I felt better for it.

Since then, things have been a bit of a rollercoaster, but there have been some solid wins. My antidepressants are stable now, and I’ve got an amazing GP who’s been a huge support. Private therapy, which I started in September, has been life-changing. I’ve reintroduced carbs (a massive step at the time), I’m eating three proper meals a day, and I’ve even managed a few meals out—though the anxiety around that is still often sky-high.

One thing I’ve learned? Beating an eating disorder is 100% on me. No one else can do it for me, and it’s not a quick fix. The longer it sticks around, the worse it gets. Even since recognising the problem last summer and being signed off work, it’s still evolved in ways I didn’t expect. Sometimes, I take a positive step forward, only to catch myself compensating elsewhere. But in the spirit of optimism—my weight has at least stabilised since starting private treatment.

I’ve finally got an NHS assessment date, which feels like a step in the right direction. I want to get back to work, to normal, but right now, I know I’m not in the right place for it. That said, work have been pretty supportive and assured me they’ll do whatever they can to get me back on the front line in Roads Policing.

At this point, I’m trying to turn this whole experience into something positive. If speaking about it openly helps even one person avoid some of the things I’ve gone through, then it’s worth it. It’s taken me a long time to accept that this is (temporarily) part of me, but staying silent doesn’t help anyone. If anything, sharing my experience makes me feel more accountable for my recovery.

That said, recovery is still a battle. I’m under the weight I should be and still often exercise excessively—though my body often doesn't allow this well. Sleep is not great, but I’ve adapted (like I did with shift work). The hardest part? To truly move forward, I need to put weight on—and right now, I just can’t get my head around that. The eating disorder still has a grip on me, and boredom only makes it worse. For now, my focus is just getting through each day, but I know there’s still a long way to go.